Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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