I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The uberlube is also flammable
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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