Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
