I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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