Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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