He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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