the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
