I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
