Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
