Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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