hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
