THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
