ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
