I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
