Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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