She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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