i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im holly from the hills drunk
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
