Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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