If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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