Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
