Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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