theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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