M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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