i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
