she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
