Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
