I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
