Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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