I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
