I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
