Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
