I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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