I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
