girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
