i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
