I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
love makes seman taste better
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
