Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
