Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
