dude i'm inner monologue high
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
