**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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