we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
