she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
