i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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