be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
