Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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