Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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