He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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