You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
