I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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