Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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