Got a toothbrush?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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