I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
