My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
