whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
