Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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